I’m reading the last chapter of “Wonders of the Heart” by Imam Al-Ghazali. I will find more books written by him. I’m not gonna do the review today. Maybe in the next post

My cousin Ng Choo Chong-11 January

Another cousin Kak Ala-12 January (her new born baby was born on the 8th of Jan)

My dad- 13 January

Tamaki Hiroshi (does he count?haha…)-14 January

My sister Nadjaa- 17 January

My TESL friend Mary-20 January

My best friend since primary school Munie-21 January

My best friend since secondary school Nadhirah-27 January

I wish happy birthday to all of you

As for my birthday, the one message that I’m so happy to read is from my mother who is now hospitalised at Ampang Hospital undergoing her chemo and stem cell transplant. I wish you will get well soon Mak!

She wrote:

Happy Birthday to my Nadia semoga Allah pelihara kamu dunia & akhirat. All the best to you. Jangan lupa Allah sebab Dia melihat & memelihara kita. Mak doakan semoga my eldest sihat & berjaya.

And last but not least, I’d like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes! You all made my day

Let’s get back to the original topic “The new look”. Notice the design? It’s so classic, isn’t it? I honestly like classic things. I’d love to ride in a carriage and wear a ball gown once in a lifetime. I love British accent because it sounds so classic (not to mention classy too! hehe) I like notebooks. I like pens. I love gardens. I love classical music. In short, you can say that I’m a traditionalist.

I wish that one day, I could visit countrysides. Amin

Okay, enough for today. Need to practise piano some more!

Bye~

Have you ever felt angry with yourself? There are so many reasons why we could loathe ourselves. Let me offer some suggestions. Probably, we hate our physical appearance as can be clearly seen among the present teenagers and young ladies (like in the movie ‘PENELOPE’) or,  we hate ourselves for being not so expert in a field (the want to be great like Einstein, Beethoven, Plato, Aristottle, or even our late prophet, Muhammad SAW) and so on.

After reflecting for quite some time ever since that emotional post, I realise that I’ve been striving for perfection. Who on earth could play a concerto like a concert pianist with less than 3 years of musical training? That’s pretty impossible to accomplish within a short period of time, isn’t it? But I was always so stubborn and impatient about mastering things. I want to do it as quickly as I can so that I can move on learning other pieces. Greedy and impatient, I have become and hence, frustration, disappointment and self-hatredness engulfed me.

I knew that the heart is in trouble so I read Chapter 5 of the book ‘Wonders of the Heart’ by Imam Al-Ghazali just a few minutes ago. To my surprise, whatever that I’ve been experiencing inside has been answered by that chapter. The book stated that there are four kinds of qualities of the heart:

1. Qualities of the beasts of prey (enmity, detestation)

2. Brutish qualities (gluttony, greed, carnal desire)

3. Demonic qualities (by obeying the brutish and beasts qualities)

4. Lordly qualities (loves mastery, superiority, exclusiveness, despotism)

Quoting from the book:

“The comprehension of all realities, and seeking to rule by force over all creatures are among the lordly qualities, and man is greedy for them. In so far as he differs from the brutes in having the faculty of discernment (judgment), although sharing with them in anger and appetence, he attains to demonic qualities.”

In other words, even though we may be knowledgeable and are able to judge well; if this ability is combined with the brutish and beasts qualities and the desire to rule as if he is The Lord, we indirectly attain the demonic qualities. By relating back to the concern mentioned above, I seek the Lordly qualities which I can never handle. I seek perfection, a quality that does not exist in human beings. I long for my ‘current being’ to become ‘an idealised being’. The result is that the body and soul became incongruent and imbalance. Like what we’ve learnt in Biology, our body will always seek to achieve a state of equilibrium which is exactly what I’m doing right now.

More in the book, the qualities gluttony is represented by ‘a pig’ while anger is represented by ‘a dog.’ Another meaningful quote from the Chapter:

“The strange thing is that he disapproves of idolaters worshipping stones (against menyembah berhala), whereas if the veil were removed and his true state were disclosed and his true condition set before him as it is set before mystics, either in sleep or awake, he would see himself standing before a pig, now prostrating himself before it and again kneeling, awaiting its signal and command.”

Hypotethically, in this state, we kneel and obey the pig (nafsu)

“But if the matter is reversed and man overcomes all these, bringing them under the rule of the lordly element within him, then his heart becomes the abode of such lordly qualities…through holding in check appetence and anger, he acquires CONTENTMENT, HAPPINESS, SAGACITY, PATIENCE, SELF-CONTROL, NOBILITY and others.”

All the qualities that my soul is trying to achieve in the case where the heart is unstable.

Finally, another sentence from the book which has got me thinking is this:

“For the fear of Allah is the door to remembrance of Him; remembrance is the door to mystical unveiling, and mystical unveiling is the door to the greatest success which is the success of meeting Allah.”

I hope that this post serves as a reminder to everyone not to be a slave to the qualities of the brutes, beasts, and demons. Use the lordly qualities wisely as the true function of their existence is to monitor the level of our appetence and judge our actions well.

Me? I don’t think I’m fine.

Yes. This is the consequence of being unemployed with a proper job and/or studying. My parents begin to notice this change in me- the sudden mood changes (from normal to cold/unhappy/moody/tired). My mother thought I was angry yesterday but actually, I wasn’t. I was not in the ‘speaking’ mood (or should I say ‘mode’?) My father asked me just now, “Kak, do you want some mood enhancer?”. I was thinking to myself “Is he going to get me a drug or something?” He said, “Do you like dark chocolate? I can get you some cuz it makes me feel good too.” And I thought “Oh, dark chocolate. Yeah, why not?” I like that ‘positive vibe’ that he transmits. I wish I am more positive.

I listen to Chopin most of the time, but Chopin’s music can be very sad sometimes, which makes me even sadder. So, to make myself feel better,I occasionally switch to other ‘happy sounding’ pieces like some pieces by Mozart and Bach. I also listen to Nodame soundtracks, KPOP, Tamaki Hiroshi’s songs (I like the singer actually, haha). And I’ve been watching La Corda (cuz Farah said this anime is about music. It’s an amazing anime after Nodame!) to make myself happier and of course, distracted. This anime has taught me a lot about music like music can’t be played when the player is stressed, which is true. Our playing has to be synchronised with our heart when playing the music. No wonder Chopin insisted that we should produce music from the heart.

Enough about music. Going back to the original concern of why I am unhappy, I’ve been thinking about the cause of it. Perhaps, I’m depressed. Perhaps, I expect too much from myself. But is it wrong to achieve higher? I don’t know. Perhaps, I’ve been staying indoors a lot. Perhaps, the main reason is I lack the happy hormones in my body. Speaking of happy hormones, I’m still confused with the three chemicals exist in our body that’s related to happiness: DOPAMINE, ENDORPHIN and SEROTONIN. I’m not a medic student so I can’t tell which one that I’m lacking right now. I shall find out more later. (not now, cuz I’m not in the mood.)

Sorry that I have to transmit this ‘negativity’ in this blog, but it’s mine, anyway.

]]> http://ridiculousme.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/hello-2012/feed/ 1 nadia http://ridiculousme.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/the-130th-post/ http://ridiculousme.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/the-130th-post/#comments Sat, 31 Dec 2011 05:41:04 +0000 nadia http://ridiculousme.wordpress.com/?p=737 Continue reading »

I know that this may sound so cliche, especially if you’re among the TESLIANS, but I bet no one can disagree with me that this year is so full of important life events. Let’s make a list then:

 

1. Degree Part 8

2. Malam Pra-Graduan

3. The final result was out.

4. I have CONVO-ed

5. Been a lecturer for only 3 months in Perak. (sob, sob)

6. My mother got sick again

6. Accompanied my mother at the hospital for 3 months

7. Worked for Pn Rohaya (though I didn’t help much, I learnt a lot)

8. Applied for Master in IIUM and Oxford (berangan je lah…)

9. Learned under a different piano teacher for only one month. She taught me how to touch the keys properly.

10. Piano progress:

 

Learned Chopin‘s Prelude no. 15, Chopin’s Waltz Op. 64 No.2, Debussy‘s Page D’album, scales in C major, A minor harmonic and melodic, F major, D minor harmonic and melodic, B flat major, G minor harmonic and melodic, E flat major, C minor harmonic and melodic.(Still polishing all of them)

Currently learning Beethoven’s Pathetique Mov 3, Chopin’s Nocturne in C minor Posthumous, Chopin’s Waltz Op. 64 No.1, Chopin Piano Concerto No. 1 (haha! i know that this is way beyond my capability but i love this piece very much and i’m determined to learn it! yeah!), and last but not least, Mozart‘s Variations of Twinkle twinkle little star. 

 

11. Been working on poems and a novel.

12. Went to Penang to attend Azie’s wedding.

13. Read a Greek play and a Shakespeare’s play for the first time. haha.

14. Got a new student

 

I think I might have left something out, but no matter. We ought to look ahead rather than past accomplishments.

So, should I make a list of what to accomplish next year? Well, I am NOT going to reveal all of them but a few unpersonal ones won’t do me harm, I guess.

 

I want to:

1. write a novel

2. compose at least a piano piece

3. write more poems of different styles

4. read more literary works

5. hafal surah2. (kalau bley hafal music, why can’t i memorise Quranic verses?)

6. sit for piano exam

7. learn Chopin concerto no 1 by heart!!!! and other pieces too.

 

Okay, I think, that’s about it. There are more of course, but they are for myself.

 

Happy new year everyone! An ending is actually a beginning of a new phase of life, an opportunity to transform ourselves. (this is what I learn with Pn Rohaya about Transformative Learning).

 

My ‘possible selves’, be prepared! I’ll make the impossible possible!

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Hi. I’ve actually just uploaded a video of my playing Chopin’s Prelude No. 15 which is also known as The Raindrop Prelude, a name given by I-don’t-know-WHO? It isn’t that good yet; I WILL make it good or else, I could imagine Chopin shaking his head, disagreeing and frowning at my playing. There are three obvious mistakes that I made. The first is, I hesitate about some notes which suggests that I don’t know the piece by heart yet. Second is I forgot a few notes before the modulation from sharps to flats but I manage to continue playing. Third is, I played a section wrongly (where there are ten notes in one beat). I WILL work harder.

Okay. Enough about piano. I haven’t updated anything about our trip to Penang. It was at first, not so fun because I got homesick already while I was still on the train to Penang. As soon as we got there, I still couldn’t believe that I was in Penang, so I didn’t know how I feel. I haven’t been on a vacation with no family members at sight before so it was a bit of a shock to me. But after a while, everything was okay. I did a lot of thinking and reflecting about the decisions that I made recently, without any outside influence at all-no TV, no Internet, no Laptop (I mean videos/movies in the laptop to influence me), no family, no piano. I was away and I could think clearly there. So, I’d like to thank Shaza for her endurance of putting up with my annoying attitude during the trip; to Azie, the beautiful bride, for finding a place for us to stay; to Nashy, Aina and Kown who made the trip more enjoyable; to Diana for worrying about us; and to Nana for being our tour guide for the night. All in all, it was such a great learning experience-The experience of sleeping on the train, of using the toilet on the moving train (can you imagine that?), of eating Penang signature cuisines, of missing the train back to KL, of staying in an empty house and of borrowing an unknown neighbour’s iron! haha…

Okay, here are some pictures from the trip. More pictures can be viewed in Nashrah’s FB album.

We were at Georgetown White Coffee

On the way to Azie’s wedding!

The newlyweds!

Some videos from the trip:

Last but not least, I promised Afiq Sheikh to answer his questions.

1. If you are a fictional character which would you prefer to be, a hero or a villain? Why?

A hero like Harry Potter, because I wanna save the world.
2. What would your powers/abilities be and why?

A powerful and wise wizard’s power, like Dumbledore’s because I just like it.
3. What would your moniker/nickname be?

Nadia. I’m okay with my name.
4. Where would your secret hideout be?

Room of Requirements.
5. What is your Facebook or E-mail password?

Won’t tell you.
6. If you could stay in another country, where would it be? Why?

England because I love the accent.
7. On a bright sunny day, do you prefer to stay at home or go out? Why?

Depends on my mood.
8. How would you define marriage?

Perkahwinan. haha…
9. What do you think will make you happy and content with your life?

Peace.
10. During times of stress, what do you do to calm yourself?

I play the piano, sleep, eat, and mengaji.
11. Would you be willing to treat me to dinner sometime in the future?

Err…I’d like to avoid scandals as possible as I can.

Okay. This is such a long post. Orait. Goodnite!

A voice, that is dying to be heard.

A voice that matters to the person and others.

That voice doesn’t have to be in the form of verbalisation. If the others are attentive enough, the voice can definitely be noticed. The voice can be said via music, paintings, drawings, poetry, writings, gestures, eye contact, fashion, behaviours, attitudes-basically, the voice can emerge through whatever things that we do or say. So, look for signs. Listen to the tones and the underlying tones. Check what colours represent. Analyse the pattern of organisations. Evaluate the decision made. Everything has a point-which is the voice.

“Why does the voice appear in such forms?” many would have wondered. Most of the time, it is because others wouldn’t want to listen to verbalised voice. Most of the time, the voice is obstructed by fear-fear of criticism, fear of the possible outcome, fear of the unknown.

But the voice has to get out. It will eventually find its way of making its own statement which is why the name is ‘the voice’. Subtly or dramatically, the voice will no longer stay inside the body it originates; it will leave the body and appear as signals no matter how much the body restricts it.

The cook lets out his voice through the meals he prepares.

The musician speaks through the melody and its harmony.

The painter says his view through the strokes of his brushes.

The poet writes his thoughts using well chosen words.

Yes, but what about ordinary people? The people who are not listed above? (although I’m not saying they are extraordinary; they are actually given a gift from God of the ability to speak a different language.)

Okay, what about them? How would they make their voice prominent?

Let’s take a look at teenagers. Teenagers choose certain trends as advertised in the fashion world to make a statement (intentionally and unintentionally). What is it that they could possibly want? The approval that they are beautiful? The need to belong in the society, hence the conformity towards certain standard of style, label and even size? The proof that they are worthy as determined by expensive fashion labels?  The portrayal of rebelliousness through weird-looking fashion decision?

Okay. What about mothers at home? How would they voice out what they have in mind? Through their babbling? Why do they do it in the first place? Perhaps, their babbling could mean, “Hey, I’m tired of attending to your needs all my life. Maybe it’s time for you to attend to mine now” Perhaps, it could mean, “Look at me! I’m here! Why do you have to leave me behind when discussing about important life events? I’m your mother, not a stranger! Include me, please?”. Perhaps, that endless babbling could mean, “I want some ME time!”

Teenagers. Mothers. Okay what about passersby? Imagine seeing this one person carrying tons of books in his bag and another in his arms. His appearance could leave one with the impression, “Hey, I don’t bother about anything else but my education.” Yes, there could be so many possibilities as to the reasons why education matters to this person. Maybe education is the only way for him to upgrade the condition of his current life, to be able to move to a higher status in the social hierarchy. That’s one reason. There could be plentiful other reasons like, it isn’t education that this person is concerned about, to start with. Perhaps, it is his interest that makes him preoccupied with all those references. Or another possible reason would be this person has an overdue assignment.

Yeah. The true voice can be distorted by other hindrance such as the varietes of ways of interpreting a situation. So, if such situation happens, look for other clues, which is never easy. Careful studying and examination of the subject of interest should be practised before any interpretation is deduced so as to reduce distractions in the search of the true voice. Nevertheless, there is another simple way of discovering it-to ask the person directly to voice it out.Simple, isn’t it?

*I don’t know why I write this but it happens to be in my mind so I think I’ll just voice it out. hehe..

However, if I look at it from a different light, humans cannot be perfect. Yes, their temperaments mirror parts of ours, I believe but these hidden issues of ours give colours to them. They will all develop into different individuals and will have their own specialties and roles in the family as well as in the society.

Now, relating this view to my life, I wonder what does my mother see in me? My inadequacies/insecurities are hers, too, in my opinion. So, any decision that I make, has been influenced by her upbringing. I’m sure that she’s sad if she looks at me right now-a person who can’t really make a decision for herself, a person who doesn’t know much about herself.

Yes, this worry has been on my mind since morning that I had to skip my BELOVED piano lesson at 2 pm.

O God, I surrender my life to you for I’m hopeless about the future.